Sunday, August 23, 2009

Vow

One of the earliest vows that I've ever made was this:

I shall contribute something big to the world or else become a supervillain.



Well, there were other vows and pledges before that one. How I'd stop talking to my sisters or my father because I didn't get what I wanted. How I'd run away from home the next time Mom would scold me. But these were petty promises that were forgotten almost as soon as they are made.

The being a hero or a supervillain thing I made with such conviction that the same feelings stir in me in recalling as it did when I first made that vow. It had, and maybe has, weight.

I was a rather morbid child.

I remember sitting in the gray armchair in my grandfather's living room, planning to wear all black and get a hunch in my posture and have a bleak outlook on life when I grow up because evil scheming goths seemed cool to me back then.

More than a few times when I cried back then, whether from being denied of treats or scolded for something that was not my fault, I wished that I'd die just to see the regret on their faces.

There was no incident that preceded the vow, though. In hindsight, that's probably what made it memorable. It was the first time that I had an Original Thought. I remember that I was mulling over the thought over and over before deciding that I will contribute something big or become a supervillain. The promise was definitely made before I was 9, hell, maybe even before I became a schoolboy.

It was not until mere minutes earlier when I was finishing Tuesdays with Morrie that I realized the reason why I made that pledge.

I was, and am, afraid that after I die, nobody would remember me.

Not such a childish thought, isn't it, aspiring to be a supervillain?

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